


How to Save a Life

by Tubas_Rock1967



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, Gen, How to Save a Life by the Fray, M/M, Pain, Self-Harm, Song fic, Tissue Warning, Trigger Warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-04-08 17:21:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14110296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tubas_Rock1967/pseuds/Tubas_Rock1967
Summary: (I have not edited this yet because  I just wanted to get it out there, constructive criticism is always welcome)But there was always one thing that gave him hope, the main reason he was still holding onto life with everything he had, he was in love. It was distant, and nothing would probably come of it, but the smirks sent in his direction were enough, the quips kept him going. When Sonny was around Barba he felt like everything in his life would be okay, like the crushing weight was taken from him like he could breathe again.





	1. If only Rafael had known how to save a life.

**Author's Note:**

> There are some things such as depression, self-harm and suicide that are a large part of this story.
> 
> Also if you feel alone or are feeling this way please remember You Are Not Alone don't forget that. If it feels like nothing is getting better just remember thing have to get worse before they can get better. I believe you can make it. Remember you are super important and are cared about. Please don't give up. This is your sign that you need to keep holding on. You will survive. I suggest you reach out for professional help, as much as some people dis it is very helpful. You will make it through.

It all started going downhill a long time ago. He couldn't even quite pinpoint where it all started, was it being held at gunpoint that started it all, or did it start years ago. It just all started piling one thing onto another until Sonny was crushed by heaps and heaps of torture. Half the time he felt like he couldn't even breath. Sonny felt like he was stuck under trying to reach the surface only to realize he was swimming through glue.

He tried to cope, he tried to use all the techniques really anything he could find to save himself from his own mind. He tried to reach out for help, but something always came up and he was forgotten in the process. He felt useless.

But there was always one thing that gave him hope, the main reason he was still holding onto life with everything he had, he was in love. It was distant, and nothing would probably come of it, but the smirks sent in his direction were enough, the quips kept him going. When Sonny was around Barba he felt like everything in his life would be okay, like the crushing weight was taken from him like he could breathe again.

When Barba was near he felt like Tom Cole, had never existed, like he hadn't been disowned by his family, like he hadn't had to carry a little girl's corpse out of the forest, like a man's life didn't literally slip from his hand. He felt safe.

The hope dissipated though when his he knew it was pointless now. He didn't know how to react when they disclosed. Barba and Liv were together. Sonny couldn't be mad though even if he had ever had a chance once upon a time he must've burnt that bridge. He was happy to see them happy except it was also the main thing the caused his heart to hurt a little bit every time he thought about it, or saw Barba, or saw Liv, essentially he was constantly plagued by it. It hurt.

He felt like his still beating heart was being ripped out of his chest, stomped on and then ripped to shreds. Little by little no matter what he couldn't hide he was falling apart. He used to be able to pretend he was fine, he even mastered it, but now he couldn't concentrate, he couldn't make decisions, and was unable to remember details for the most part, he was constantly tired no matter how much sleep he could get, he didn't want to eat or cook or really do anything, he felt empty. He knew it, he was depressed.

Depression is a monster and it's been attacking him his whole life and this time the monster might actually succeed and that terrified him, he didn't want to lose the battle to his depression, but how can one win a war without any weapons.

Sonny realized he needed help soon or else it was going to be late the night he ended up trying to dull the pain. The crimson red covering the floor in his shower as the water diluted it. The familiar feeling of a cool metal blade sliding over his thighs, over his hips. He knew the feeling and he had worked so hard not to do this, he had gone years since the last time he cut, and now his blood was running like a river in his shower.

He could feel the bile rising in his throat he hated himself and he hated life.  
...  
Sonny knew he needed help only one day prior was he cutting his flesh to numb his pain. He didn't want to be alone because he knew if he was alone he probably would give up tonight. He just could not be left alone.

He started by asking Amanda if she'd like him to come over, cook some dinner, and help with Jesse. She turned him down and said she wanted to spend some time alone with her daughter.

He then asked Fin if he wanted to get some drinks, and of course, he was busy.

So he asked Liv if maybe there was more for him to do. Sonny was really looking for any reason to not be alone, but she said he should take a break and go him and get some rest. He just wanted to explain to her that he couldn't be alone because he would not make it through the night, but he just couldn't spit out the words that could save his life.

But just when he gave up there was a glimmer of hope, "Carisi before you go, could you bring this to Rafael's... I mean Barba's office for me." Maybe there was still hope, maybe this was a sign that everything's gonna go back to normal maybe it's not too late.

"Yeah, of course, no problem, I got nothing better to do." He said with his full-fledged smile the dimples and all.

As Sonny turned to leave Liv spoke up, "And Carisi it's nice to see you smiling again."

Yes hearing her call Barba Rafael hurt because it only reminded him of their relationship, but with what Liv said he realized someone noticed he wasn't smiling and was glad to see the smile reappear for the first time in a very long time.

Sonny headed to 1 Hogan place. Once he got to Barba's office he noticed Carmen wasn't there, so he just knocked.

"Come in."

Sonny couldn't help smiling he missed hearing that voice because most of the time now the only squad member he's been talking too is Liv. Sonny walked in and greeted Barba, "Hey, I was sent to drop off these files."

"Okay, Carisi, do you need anything else?" Barba's said in a smooth tone, it almost felt like a song Sonny once heard.

Sonny hesitated, "Um I was wondering if you needed help with anything, you know like old times, going over case files?"

"As much as I would love to work all night," Barba's tone dripping with sarcasm, "I do have plans for the rest of the evening."

With that Sonny could feel the new found hope he had gained dissipate in just a matter of seconds, "Oh, okay, that's fine."

"Carisi is there a reason you want to work so badly," he paused, "Is everything okay?"

"Nah no particular reason as to why, and I'm fine," Sonny replied in a way where he barely believed himself.

Sonny was praying Barba wouldn't take that as an answer and see he obviously needed help.

"Okay then see you later."

"Goodbye," Sonny replied trying to hold the tears back as he turned away.  
...  
Sonny was alone he could feel the world closing in on him, he was standing right in front of his mirror, looking at the person he hated the most in the world; himself, while holding a bottle of pills. He really didn't want to die he tried to call a suicide hotline, but he was put on hold for a good ten minutes before he gave up. He called his sisters, hell he even called his parents. He tried every number he could think of he called Amanda, Fin, and Liv and there was no answer, and finally his last hope he called phone Barba's around ten times before he gave up. He took it all as a sign. He called so many people more than once and no answer, at least one of them probably actively chose to ignore his call deeming him unimportant. Because of course, he spends his whole life with the one goal of helping people, but yet when he needs help no one is there, everyone else, of course, matters more. At least now he knows he won't be missed much. He should never have let himself live with so much hope.

Sonny wrote a note to say one last goodbye before he took a handful of pills and swallowed them down whole. The second he did it he felt a boost of adrenalin, he wanted to go back he didn't want to die, he regretted it, But it was too late.

He felt dizzy and fell to the ground, and started convulsing, and vomiting.

It was too late.

If only someone had known how to save a life.

...  
(The next morning at Liv's apartment)

"Liv, do you have any clue why Carisi called me at least a dozen times in the middle of the night?" Rafael inquired.

"I don't know, but he called me too, maybe I'll call him." Live called and no answer.

Rafael started putting two and two together, Carisi was off the previous night and Rafael knew it, but he didn't do anything about it. Carisi also made a point to say goodbye and called him desperately in the middle of the night. Rafael started to pray for the first time in a long time that what he thought had happened hadn't actually.

"Liv, I think someone should go check on him, I don't think he's okay."

...  
"Rafi, um... Carisi committed suicide." Liv said her voice breaking, and tears running down her red eyes.

Rafael broke down. Tears falling down his eyes, "Liv if I had stayed with him, or at least talked to him, he wouldn't be dead!"

"Rafi, it's not your fault you can't blame yourself."

"If I had known how to save a life he would be alive and getting help and eventually he would be gracing the world with his beautiful smiles, but now that will never happen because I did nothing!" Rafael's voice weak and breaking apart at almost every syllable.

Rafael wishes he could go back, he wishes he could change a lot. He wishes he could go back to the night before and tell Carisi how much he truly cared about him, how much he cared about Carisi, maybe than Carisi would be alive.


	2. What if he could've known How to Save a Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael thought of them as friends and at on point, he has to admit he was completely in love, head over heels for the man, but after everything that had happened he gave up hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So apparently now there are three chapters now, also Some of the writing might seem repetitive, but keep in mind this is a songfic for the song How to Save a Life by the Fray.
> 
> Also if your reading please remember you are always loved.
> 
> also, this is a really short update.

Rafael was being eaten alive by the guilt, the grief was all consuming. He couldn't help but feel that it was his fault that Carisi, no Sonny had killed himself.

Rafael couldn't handle it because he knows that he went wrong somewhere and if he had known how to save a life then, Sonny could be getting better, and would finally be the Sunny person he was when Rafael first met him.

Rafael thought of them as friends and at on point, he has to admit he was completely in love, head over heels for the man, but after everything that had happened he gave up hope.

Rafael loved the little smile the would play on Sonny's lips when Rafael would tease him. Rafael loved when Sonny would have one of those smiles that could brighten up the room. Rafael loved all the pieces of legal knowledge, basically, he loved everything about the man, and now because of his idiocy, he would never get that again.

Rafael wishes he could go back to that night. He wishes he could go back with some new found knowledge and save Sonny Carisi.

This whole ordeal made him rethink everything and realize he would never be truly happy with Liv because he would never be able to love her enough when his heart still belonged to someone else.

Rafael cut things off with Liv only days after the death. He told her why told her about how he thinks she deserves someone better, and how in the end they were probably never meant to be together romantically.

She understood and told him that she felt this relationship wasn't going to work out really anyways, so it was just better to rip off the band-aid now before they got too deep.

Rafael wondered where he went wrong with everything. He lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness. Rafael wishes he could go back because he would have stayed up all night if he had known how to save a life.

...  
Rafael stated praying every day that God would perform some sort of miracle and let him go back, let him make sure Sonny wasn't left alone.

Really all he wanted was the chance to not have to live another day knowing Sonny was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, as always constructive criticism is always welcome.


	3. Thank God Barba knew how to save a life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barba woke up in a cold sweat breathing heavy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First I would really like to say sorry for taking so long to finish this I know it's not the best, but I tried. I would really like to thank me-ladie on tumblr for fixing my terrible writing if it wasn't for me-ladie this chapter would probably never have happened.  
> I really am sorry for taking so long and it is not the best way to end this, but I have been super busy lately and haven't had time for really anything, so without further ado here is the last chapter.

Barba was dead tired. When he got home he straight to bed, although he couldn't shake the sadness he saw in Sonny's eyes earlier that evening.    
  
...   
  


Barba woke up in a cold sweat, his breathing heavy. He had to wake up Liv. Maybe his dream wasn't real, maybe there was still a chance to save Sonny.

 

"Liv, I don't think we should be together anymore."   
  
"What do you mean?" Liv's tone still groggy from sleep.   
  
"I don't think we should be together," Rafael paused."I don't think I'll ever be able to love you as much as you deserve."   
  
"Rafa...I don't understand. Where is this coming from?"   
  
"You deserve someone who loves you entirely and I think I may be in love with someone else. I know you deserve better."   
  


Liv had tears welling in her eyes. 

  
"Maybe you should think this through." Liv voice was shaky and quiet.   
  
"I have and I am so sorry, Rafael retorted while getting out of bed and getting dressed. “I need to leave, we can talk later."   
  
"Where are you going? Come back to bed, we can discuss this in the morning." Liv’s voice sounding resigned almost as if she knew.   
  
"Sorry, this... this can't wait."   
  
Rafael left as fast as possible leaving his phone behind.

  
...   
  


Rafael was nervous, but he had a feeling that this was necessary. Rafael felt that dream and it was too real, he knew that something bad was going to happen.   
  
He made his way over to Sonny's apartment debating on what to say. He knew he had to do something, the look in Sonny's eyes earlier that evening told him that Sonny was not okay.  It was just after one in the morning when Rafael finally arrived at Sonny's apartment and started knocking ferociously.

  
…

  
Sonny was ready to give up, he didn't want to live anymore. He tried, he really did. He had tried to ask for help, and no one cared enough to answer. What was the point in trying any longer if nothing was going to come of it. Then there was an impatient knock.   
  
Hope, maybe he wasn't supposed to this, maybe there was a reason for him to live, maybe this was a sign.  The knock  caused a spark inside Sonny, something he hadn't felt for a long time. Hope. Sonny got up and headed towards the knocking. He wanted to open the door, but he didn't know who to expect, and what would they think of him. He was half dressed with his wrists sliced up and bleeding. Sonny slipped on a sweater and prepared himself to open the door.   
  
Finally, he gained the courage to open the door. He couldn't believe his eyes, standing with his hand up in the air ready to knock again was Rafael Barba. He was panting, sounded almost out of breath. Sonny couldn't breathe, this was the last person he expected to be at his door, but Rafael was the also the first person he wanted to be there.   
  
"Carisi, we need to talk." Rafael's voice shaky.   
  
Sonny wanted to cry.   
  
He ushered Rafael into his apartment and closed the door behind them. "Hi..." Sonny really tried to hide the tears welling up in his eyes.   
  
"Earlier tonight, why did you want to stay and work so badly?" Rafael paused, "answer honestly."   
  
Sonny had one of two choices he could tell Rafael the truth, but show how vulnerable he was, or he could pretend to be fine and send Rafael on his way home. Sonny knew he could trust Rafael, but he was afraid. "I...um..." Sonny tried to stutter out an answer, but how do you tell someone that you wanted a reason to stay alive, a reason not to take your own life.   
  
"Sonny, please." Rafael's voice pleading.   
  
That was the first time he could ever recall hearing Rafael call him Sonny, and after that he couldn't help it, he broke down crying. He sat on his couch trying to catch his breath. Rafael sat down beside him, so close that Sonny could smell him. Coffee, mint, and something distinctively Rafael.    
  
Rafael put his hand on Sonny's back. "Sonny, everything's going to be fine, I just need you to answer the question."   
  
Sonny couldn't look Rafael in the eye. He didn't know how to respond, though he was pretty sure Rafael already knew the answer. "I didn't want to be left alone." Sonny's voice barely above a whisper.   
  
"Why?"   
  
"I was scared."   
  
"Why?" Rafael not knowing what else to say.   
  
"Because I knew what would happen if I was." Sonny's answer coming out more as a whimper than an actual answer.   
  
"Sonny, what did you know would happen?" The way Rafael asked, Sonny could tell he already knew the answer.   
  
"Well, I knew when I said goodbye it really was going to be the last time."   
  
"What happened...what caused all this, Sonny?"   
  


Sonny was shaking.   
  
Sonny didn't really want to answer, but the look in Rafael's eyes made him realize a lot. "Where do I start... um, maybe it was Tom Cole, the dead little girl, getting disowned or maybe..." He started to trail off.   
  
Rafael looked concerned, "Did you just say you were disowned? What happened? You're literally the type of son every mother dreams of."    
  
"I'm not the son that every mother dreams of, you're sadly mistaken. And yes I was disowned but that was months ago I should be over it by now."   
  
"But why on earth were you disowned."   
  
"I came out, and then I was told I'm never welcome home again." Sonny's voice broke and that's when Rafael actually pulled him into a hug holding Sonny close. For the first time in awhile, Sonny felt okay.   
  
"It's okay, you know that's what my parents said when I came out, but eventually my mom came around, she even has tried to set me up."   
  
"Maybe one day, I wish I didn't come out though."   
  
"Why regret that?"   
  
"Because it was pointless I didn't even end up with the person I came out for, so now I'm out, but painfully alone."   
  
"That's guy's for lack of a better word a dick, making you come out."   
  
"He didn't make me, and it isn't his fault, I was just very mistaken about a lot of things to do with him."   
  
"That's got to be hard, is that the other thing you were going to mention."   
  
"Yeah, I guess."   
  
"Well, you know that guys an absolute idiot, you're like the perfect person. You're intelligent, kind, enthusiastic, and pretty attractive. I'd dare say that man made a huge mistake."   
  
Sonny was crying, but he had almost forgotten the pain his wrists were in, his mind forgotten, Rafael just called himself an idiot without even knowing, and Sonny couldn't hold back his tears.   
  
"Sonny, you do realize that you are wanted right, that people care about you and would be destroyed if anything were to happen to you. Sometimes I've noticed that you'll be talking and just stop as if you think no one is listening."   
  
"Yeah."   
  
"You're not really okay, are you?   
  
"No."   
  
"What did you do before I showed up?"   
  
Sonny really didn't want to tell him, so he rolled up his sleeves, Rafael saw the cuts across his blood covered skin, Rafael spoke, "Where's your first aid kit?" Sonny told him. 

 

Rafael got it and then disinfected and wrapped up Sonny's wrists.   
  
Sonny didn't want to think about the fact that this was the most cared about he has felt in years.   
  
"Sonny, I know now's not the best time, but I have to tell you, I love you. I am not joking, I really do."   
  
"You're in a relationship."   
  
"No, I broke up with Liv once I realized this." Rafael's voice broke, "I know it seems sudden..."   
  
"You love me?" Sonny let it sink in. He had never thought that someone like Rafael could love someone like him, but there he was professing his love.   
  
"Yes, and the thought of something... anything happening to you crushed me... and that's when I knew I had to tell you."   
  
Sonny didn't know what to say, so he leaned in towards Rafael and accepted his warm embrace. Rafael held him tightly rubbing circles on Sonny's back as he sobbed in Rafael's arms. After awhile Sonny's breathing evened out, and they fell asleep in each other's embrace. Sonny feeling the safest he had in his whole life, listening to Rafael's heartbeat.

  
…

The next morning when Sonny woke up to the sun rays shining on him, he felt rested for the first time in forever. He loved the feeling of Rafael’s chest rising and falling beneath him, and for the first time in a long time he knew it was going to get better, he knew that he was loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about my awkward writing

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry about how sad this is, I promise part two is much better.  
> The second chapter will focus more on my favourite pairing.


End file.
